By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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