i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
