I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize