Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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