I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
