yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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