Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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