There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
