the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
50% drunk capacity currently
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
