I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
