seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
