I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
