There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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