I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
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Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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