would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
