I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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