I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
