i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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