Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
