I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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