At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
