every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
