video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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