you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
