I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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