what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
