Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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