i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
