Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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