I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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