is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
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Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.