Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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