The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You dont lie about slip and slides
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?