I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
