Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
