Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
