Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
