His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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