I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
