Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
