On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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