i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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