i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm gonna fight the coyote
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
