You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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