Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
