accomplished twins. life is a go
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
