I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
