dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
