Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This is my gift to your gina
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
