Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
