At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
