i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
