Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
