this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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