she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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