I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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