I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
