Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
