I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
