Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
