college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
