Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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