M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
