omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
